


easily

by chrvstenpress



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, mentions of Alex morgan - Freeform, mentions of Julie Ertz, mentions of Kelley O'Hara, mentions of Megan Rapinoe, mentions of Sue Bird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 13:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrvstenpress/pseuds/chrvstenpress
Summary: the one-shot au where Christen wants to put an end to her and Tobin before it even starts (but Tobin won't give up that easily).based on the song Easily by Bruno Major with a bit of Stubborn Love by the Lumineers.





	easily

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like everything I write is super cheesy but oh well. Here's this, lol.  
As always, enjoy and feel free to leave me comments or asks on my Tumblr @ chrvstenpress.tumblr.com !  
Thanks for reading!

There were days where Christen saw her entire future with Tobin by her side. The brown-haired, honey-eyed, goofy-minded girl often brought out enough hope in Christen that maybe one day, but only maybe, they could be more than just best friends. 

But there were also days where Christen pushed that hope and vision out the window. Tobin was her best friend. _If_ they were to ever be anything more than friends, that could also mean potentially losing her forever if things went wrong. 

She couldn’t risk that. She’d rather have Tobin in her life as just a friend than not at all. 

But then Tobin did things like bring her takeout dinner after long days at work. Or massage her feet after they went for a run together (despite Christen’s protests that they were sweaty and gross). Or played with her fingers under the table at dinners with their other friends. Or placed her hand on her lower back at bars in that comforting and protective type of way that kept anyone from coming up to her (most of the time). Or kissed her forehead or her temple or her hair when she hugged her hello and goodbye. Or occasionally slept over at her place because she was “too comfy to go home” and eventually ended up holding Christen from behind while they slept in her bed. 

So, yeah, maybe they acted like they were more than _just_ best friends. But it was all unspoken and, therefore, unofficial, keeping them at a standstill behind the threshold to becoming lovers. 

Their friends often teased them for acting like a couple. Alex would ‘awww’ when she would catch them giving each other lingering smiles. Kelley would smack Tobin’s head and tell her to “stop staring at Press’ ass” when they went out and Christen decided to wear especially tight fitting dresses. Megan would ask them to go on double dates with her and her girlfriend, Sue (an offer they took up a few times under the insistence that it was a ‘friend gathering’). 

They both had no idea when or how things started to change between them. It seemed like one day they were only seeing each other when they were with all of their friends and another they were hanging out just them two. 

Neither of them addressed it. Christen let herself pass it off as “just getting closer” and Tobin - Tobin didn’t know what she wanted to pass it off as.

Tobin wanted more. Tobin wanted Christen. But she also knew that the girl was hesitant and not so willing to take things further. So she respected her wishes, but she still liked her a whole lot and she sure as hell showed it.

She touched Christen when she could. She kissed Christen any place appropriate for ‘friends.’ She pretended to be cold just so she could cuddle Christen. She asked for Christen’s sweats and hoodies so she could be more comfortable when she was over (and did the same for her when the roles were reversed) but she really just loved to smell the girl’s scent off the fabric. She picked Christen up when they went places together, always getting out of the car, knocking on the girl’s door, giving her a tight hug and a soft kiss somewhere on her head, opening the passenger door for her, and then jogging around the front of the car to get in on her own side. It always looked like something straight out of a movie about high school kids going on first dates (except they never considered their “hangouts” as dates).

But then Tobin started getting more restless every time Christen would stalemate their progress. 

Tobin would try to hold her hand under the table instead of just playing with her fingers. Christen would close her fist lightly. Tobin would try to joke about their “adventures” basically being dates. Christen would give her that look - the one that told her she shouldn't take it further. Tobin would try to kiss a little closer to her mouth, but never dangerously. Christen would turn away in the slightest, always being hyperaware of Tobin’s movements.

It broke Christen’s heart, really. Dismissing Tobin’s advances hurt her as much as it probably hurt Tobin. But it would hurt her more to lose Tobin completely. That’s what she kept telling herself.

So Christen eventually succumbed to Tobin’s more often head kisses, more often embraces, more often sleepovers.

But then that all turned into Tobin basically coming over after work almost every day, sleeping over almost every night, leaving a toothbrush next to Christen’s, taking over a drawer in Christen’s wardrobe. 

It was Christen’s fault for allowing it. It was all too domestic. All too couple-like. All too real. 

That’s what made it hard for her. Every time Tobin held her close at night and murmured a “g’night, Chris,” into her the back of her neck and her heartbeat thudded against Christen’s shoulder blade, Christen was reminded of how real it all was. Reality meant that someone would get hurt. Reality was too scary to accept. 

So she decided to distance herself slowly. It didn’t work.

She told Tobin that she was going over to Julie’s on Friday evenings for wine and movie nights so Tobin wouldn’t come over. But then Tobin offered to drop her off and pick her up on the account that she would be drinking and shouldn’t be driving and Christen couldn’t say no to that. Then Tobin would walk her in and stay for a while because tipsy Christen was clingy. Eventually, “staying for a while” turned into spending the night all over again. 

And Saturday mornings with Tobin consisted of laying in bed, Christen’s head on Tobin’s shoulder, Tobin’s lips on the crown of Christen’s head, Christen’s fingertips scratching the spot on Tobin’s hip where her shirt rode up overnight, the top of Tobin’s foot rubbing against the bottom of Christen’s under the sheets. 

And, still, Christen tried to get over Tobin as Tobin tried to win Christen over. 

She tried to mute the voice inside of her head telling her that Tobin would never hurt her (But it was too loud). She tried to crush the feeling in her stomach when Tobin called her ‘love’ (But it was too strong). She tried to tell herself she didn’t love Tobin (But she did). 

One particular Saturday morning, Tobin got confident when Christen kissed her cheek out of a waking haze and said, “Good morning.” She waited a while, letting Christen wake up slowly. Then she said, “Can I ask you something? Just don’t freak out and I’ll accept whatever answer you give me.” 

Christen’s stomach knotted but she mumbled an “Of course.”

“Will you go on a date with me? Like an _actual_ date.”

Christen would be lying if she said the way her heart sped up wasn’t out of excitement. 

They were both quiet for a long time. Christen wanted to say yes. She knew to say no. Tobin waited.

But then Christen pulled away from Tobin completely and sat up against the headboard. Tobin did the same.

“Tobin I-” she took a deep breath.

“It’s fine. I get it,” Tobin cut her off with a sad smile. She knew the moment Christen didn’t immediately accept that the answer was no.

“I’m sorry.” Christen’s whisper of an apology cut sharp knives into both their chests. 

“Don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have asked. You just-” _You kissed my cheek and you never kiss me._ “Never mind,” Tobin shook her head. “Can we forget I asked?”

Christen’s eyes were pained when she said, “We can try.”

Tobin distanced herself for the next few weeks. Sure, they had talked, but it wasn’t the same as being with each other. Christen realized being without Tobin hurt her a lot.

_This is still less pain than what losing her _completely _would bring. _That’s what she told herself.

So she texted Tobin asking her to come over because she missed her. 

**Hey. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you:( Stranger Things marathon at my place today???**

Tobin didn’t know how to say no. So she said yes.

**I miss you too, Christen;) Of course. I’ll be there in a couple of hours.**

Christen’s eyebrows furrowed at the amount of time and she couldn’t stop herself from asking-

**Oh, are you busy today? We don’t have to if you have plans.**

Tobin was never busy. She was never busy because she was always with Christen.

**No, not later. I’m just grabbing lunch with an old friend and then I’ll head over after.**

_An old friend? I know all of her friends. Why is she being so vague? Wait - I have no right to be jealous._

**Oh okay. Well have fun with your friend. I’ll see you in a bit.**

Tobin was confused at the slight coldness in the text. _Maybe it just came off wrong? It’s hard to put emotion into text sometimes. _

**Yeah, I will. Thanks. See you later.**

Christen was left with the same thought.

Later that night, the awkward tension fizzled away as soon as Christen opened the door and Tobin hugged her tight, gave her a kiss on the side of her head, and whispered, “I missed you,” into her ear.

“Me too,” was Christen’s reply as she whispered her own words into Tobin’s neck.

They ended up cuddling on the couch under a blanket, no surprise to either of them. Christen’s hand clenched Tobin’s shirt every time a particularly more spooky scene came on. Tobin ignored it the first few times, but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her lips when Christen literally gasped and accidentally scratched her stomach when the demogorgan growled at the kids.

“Babe, it’s not even scary.” The word slipped without thought. She didn’t know whether to apologize or not.

Before she could get a word out, Christen was exclaiming, “Did you not see that shit?! It had gew in its mouth and on its skin!”

_Maybe she didn’t hear the first part? Maybe she didn’t care?_

Christen heard it, but she was too overwhelmed to acknowledge it.

“I saw it, Chris. We are watching the same show here,” she teased.

“Shut up,” Christen mumbled as she snuggled back into Tobin’s side and pulled the blanket further toward her.

“Hey! Share, won’t you?” Tobin pouted.

“I’m basically on top of you, Tobin. What’s on me is on you too.”

Tobin’s heart skipped a beat at Christen’s words. She didn’t say anything back.

Tobin slept over again for the first time in a while. She went straight to Christen’s sleep clothes drawer and picked her choice before brushing her teeth next to Christen in the bathroom.

They laid facing each other in silence for a while, neither being able to sleep.

“How was your lunch?” Christen asked softly.

“Oh, it was good! It was nice to catch up-”

“Who did you go with?” _Fuck. Let her finish, Christen._

“Wow,” Tobin laughed. “Possessive much?”

“That’s not how I meant it,” Christen tried to defend.

“Okay,” Tobin drew out slowly, unsure of whether or not to believe that. “I was with an old friend from college. You don’t know her.”

_Her. _

“Oh, that’s cool.” The statement was bland and not at all interested like it should have been as a best friend.

“Yeah.”

It was quiet for another few moments before Tobin got tired of trying to understand Christen.

“Can I ask you something?”

It was like deja vu.

“Of course.”

Yup. Definitely like deja vu.

“What’s going on between us?”

“What do you mean-”

“No. No bullshit. What’s going on between us?”

Christen sighed. This is exactly what she was afraid of. Tobin getting fed up of Christen dancing around whatever was happening with them and getting upset and eventually leaving.

“I- I don’t know.”

“Why did you get so weird earlier and just now when we talked about me going to lunch with an old friend?”

“I didn’t.”

“Thought we said no bullshit?” Tobin called her out.

“I don’t know.” It was quiet.

Tobin sighed. “Okay.” She turned around and laid her head on her pillow, facing away from Christen.

“Tobin-”

“Goodnight, Christen.”

Tobin heard Christen sigh from behind her. Felt the covers move slightly as Christen pulled them further toward her.

She couldn’t sleep as hard as she tried. The girl right behind her was racking her brain too hard to let her rest.

Christen must have thought she was sleeping, though, because a hesitant arm wrapped around her waist and a warm body pressed into hers and soft lips whispered, “I’m so sorry,” into the back of her neck before they placed the lightest of kisses there and the body pulled away completely.

The next morning, Christen woke before Tobin. She laid with her for a while. For the first time ever, they didn’t find their way to each other in their sleep. They both stayed on their respective sides of the bed facing away from each other throughout the entire night. Christen would know. She woke up what seemed like every hour in the same position she fell asleep in, Tobin the same.

Christen’s hand found its way to the hem of Tobin’s t-shirt (that was actually hers) and toyed with the fabric for a few moments. Enough contact with the girl to fix her need to be close to her but not enough to wake her up. After a while, she decided to get up and make them coffee and breakfast. 

She had no idea how she was going to fix this, if it could even be fixed. Tobin wanted answers and if she didn’t give them to her, she could lose her sooner than she bargained for. 

Before she was even finished cooking, a sleepy Tobin walked into the kitchen and stopped at the counter. 

“Good morning,” Christen said softly.

“Hey,” was all she got in return. No hug. No kiss on the head. No Saturday-morning-Tobin.

“I’m making us some food. It should be ready in a few. Coffee is ready in the pot.”

“Uhm actually, I should probably go,” her voice was reluctant.

Christen turned around quick. “Oh, do you have to be somewhere?”

Tobin shook her head no. 

Christen put down the spatula, turned down the stove, and walked over to Tobin. She stopped right before her, looking right into her eyes for permission to hold her. Tobin nodded. 

As soon as she had Tobin in her arms, she buried her face in the girl’s neck and held her tight. “I’m sorry about last night,” was all she could manage for the moment.

Tobin didn’t hold her as tight. Still didn’t place a kiss on her head. She only let out a sad breath through her nose and nodded against the side of Christen’s head. 

Christen pulled her head back and slowly leaned her forehead to Tobin’s with her eyes closed. “I can't lose you,” she whispered so softly but Tobin’s could still feel the stinging breath on her lips. 

She grabbed Christen’s face in both of her hands and pulled her back, forcing Christen to open her eyes and look at her. “You’re never going to lose me, Christen.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know-”

“No, I don’t know that. But I would never let you lose me if I had the choice.”

“Please stay,” she whimpered as the tears gathered at the corners of her eyes.

“Christen, I-”

“_Please_.”

_Will I ever learn how to say no to her?_

“Yeah, okay.” She nods.

Christen places the lightest of kisses on Tobin’s cheek, something she never does and something that confuses Tobin all the more, before she goes back to the stove and finishes whatever she was cooking. 

They eat in silence for a bit before Tobin finally speaks up. 

“What are we gonna do?”

Christen knows not to bullshit her this time. But, again, she doesn’t have much of an answer other than-

“I don’t know.”

Before Tobin can control her frustration, she lets out a bitter “What do you know, Christen?”

It catches Christen off guard. Tobin has never spoken to her that way. Never been the type to get worked up over anything, really. She doesn’t reply, just sets her fork down lightly, prompting the soft clinking sound to fill their silence. 

Tobin forces her eyes shut and when she opens them back up, the first thing she sees is a hurt Christen trying her best not to cry.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Christen nods her head and looks down, a single tear falling onto her thigh before she can stop it. 

“Please don’t cry. I didn't mean to make you cry,” Tobin begs.

But then Christen’s tears fall harder and Tobin’s own begin to threaten her eyes. 

“Chris...” she whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Christen nods again, still not looking at her. 

Once they’ve both calmed down a bit, Tobin tries again. “I think we need to seriously talk about this. We can’t keep doing this, Christen.”

“We haven’t even done anything,” Christen painfully groans. 

“That’s my point. We haven’t even done anything but dance around this for too long. We’re both tired.”

Christen nods. They move to the couch. They leave enough room between them for another person to fit.

“I don’t even know where to fucking start,” Tobin sighs and brings a hand up to her head.

Christen still can’t bring herself to say anything at all. Not even a “me either.”

“I guess- I feel like at this point we’re somewhere past just best friends. But we can’t seem to go any further. We also can’t seem to find our way back to just best friends. Or, _I_ can’t.”

More silence from Christen.

Tobin looks over at her. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” 

“I can’t,” her voice cracks.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t fucking know,” she cries.

Instead of getting frustrated this time, Tobin thinks about how much the other girl is hurting too. “Can you try? For me? _Please_, Chris? We need to figure this out. I know it’s not easy.”

Christen gives a single nod as she pushes two fingers into the bridge of her nose and tries to control her breathing.

“Chris, tell me you don’t feel it too. Tell me you don’t want it,” Tobin challenges.

Then Christen breaks. “I can’t do that.” She shakes her head, her eyebrows furrow, her tears spill, her lips purse, and Tobin’s heart breaks at the sight.

“Why not?”

“Tobin-”

“Because you do feel it? You do want it? Just say it, Christen,” she urges.

“I can’t.”

Tobin sighs. “Help me out here. I’m not understanding.”

“If I do that, then it means it's real,” she continues.

“What’s wrong with that? Shouldn’t it be real?”

Christen shakes her head again. “If it’s real then I could lose you for real too.”

“Christen...” Tobin whispers.

“Don’t tell me I won’t, Tobin. Don’t make a promise you can’t keep,” she sobs.

So Tobin doesn't tell her. 

“This can be too good to give up,” is what she says instead.

“It’s too much to risk, Tobin.”

“And it’s not worth it?”

“Not if I lose you - no.” 

“So love isn’t worth it to you then.” It’s a statement more than a question.

Christen is stuck by the L word. She knew she loved Tobin and had an inkling that the feeling was mutual but hearing it - hearing it made it real.

“What did you just say?” she whispered.

“What? Love? Yeah, Christen. I love you if it wasn’t obvious,” she said agitatedly.

_Fuck_. 

She couldn’t stop herself. She lunged her body at Tobin’s and kissed her. Tobin, caught off guard, didn’t kiss back until right before Christen pulled away and sat back in her far away spot. 

“Shit- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” She's sobbing all over again. 

“What the fuck do you mean?” 

“Tobin, we can’t. I can’t. I can’t lose you.” 

“Christen, I’m right here! You’re not losing me!” 

“Not yet.”

There’s an afflictive moment of silence before Tobin speaks up again.

“You know that band I like that I always send you songs by?”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?” Christen is dumbfounded by the subject change.

“Just- just listen okay? There’s this lyric. It goes,

_It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all_  
_ The opposite of love's indifference_  
_ So pay attention now_  
_ I'm standing on your porch screaming out_  
_ And I won't leave until you come downstairs_

_So keep your head up, keep your love_  
_Keep your head up, my love.”_

Christen’s stopped sobbing at this point but the tears are still flowing. She knows exactly what Tobin is trying to tell her before she even says it.

“Christen, I know you’re scared and I know it’s not easy. I don’t want to risk losing you either but I’d rather feel that pain if life threw that at us than never feel what it’s like to love you like I want to.

“I’m right here telling you this right now. I love you so much, Christen. I’ll tell you that as many times as I need to as loud as I need to. I’ll wait until you’re ready. But for now, you can keep your love and figure out whatever you need to figure out. I’ll wait.”

That was probably the corniest thing Tobin has ever said or done, but it’s what she felt and Christen couldn’t help but love her more for it.

Tobin sighs and gets up from the couch. She finally places a kiss to Christen’s forehead, wipes her tears, and whispers, “I’m gonna go. Not because I’m walking out on us. That’s the last thing I’d ever do. I just think we need space right now. Time to think without being with each other 24/7. Promise me you’ll think about it?”

Christen stops and looks her in the eyes before she finally gives a small nod.

Tobin lets out a sigh of relief and places her forehead to Christen’s. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I completely understand if the answer is no, but can I kiss you again? I promise it’ll be quick and I’ll be out.” Christen nods again after another moment.

Tobin grabs Christen’s face with one hand and holds herself against the couch with her other. She waits a moment, giving Christen an out if she wanted it but she doesn’t see it anywhere in her eyes. “I love you,” she whispers before she kisses Christen gently.

Christen’s lips are hesitant but tell her enough for Tobin to know she loves her back.

When they pull away, they’re both crying. Tobin leaves one last kiss on her forehead before she says, “I’ll see you,” and walks out the front door.

They don’t speak the next day. Or the next. They cry. They miss each other.

Christen looks up that song Tobin mentioned and listens to it more than once almost everyday.

Stubborn Love by the Lumineers. Yup. What they had was definitely stubborn love, mostly on Christen’s part.

It takes a week and a half for Tobin to reach out and ask how she’s doing.

**Hey. I just wanted to check in and see how you are. I’m not looking for answers. Just want to make sure you’re okay. **

Christen’s heart twists.

**Hey. I’m okay. Thanks for asking. You?**

She bites her cuticles waiting for a response.

**As good as you.**

They leave it at that.

It takes another week for Christen to reach out.

**This might be really selfish of me but I really miss you. **

She almost regrets it. Then Tobin responds.

**Me too. **

A few days later, Christen’s phone dings when she puts her dirty dishes in the sink after dinner. It’s from Tobin. There’s no message. It’s just another shared song.

**Easily**

**Bruno Major**

**Apple Music**

She puts her headphones in and clicks the link as she lays on her bed.

_Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_  
_ Call it quits_  
_ Call it destiny_  
_ Just because it won't come easily_  
_ Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

_We had a good thing going lately_  
_ Might not have always been a fairy tale_  
_ But you know and I know_  
_ That they ain't real_  
_ I'll take the truth over the story_

_You might have tried my patience lately_  
_ But I'm not about to let us fail_  
_ I'll be the wind picking up your sail_  
_ But won't you do something for me?_

_Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_  
_ Call it quits_  
_ Call it destiny_  
_ Just because it won't come easily_  
_ Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

_Coming and going_  
_ Inside out_  
_ Back to front_  
_ Oh, tangled and messy_  
_ That's how we've been and we'll always be_  
_ And that's alright with me_

_Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_  
_ Call it quits_  
_ Call it destiny_  
_ Just because it won't come easily_  
_ Doesn't mean we shouldn't try, try, try_  
_ Just because it won't come easily_  
_ Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_  
  
She was crying by the first verse. If there was a song to perfectly fit them, this was it. 

With every line that passed, she realized how much she should stop trying to stop a good thing from happening. She tried to call it quits, Tobin said they should try. They did have a good thing going, it was never a fairy tale (except for the fact that they were best friends before anything). She’d definitely tested Tobin’s patience lately, Tobin was clearly not letting them fail.

_But won't you do something for me_

It struck her. She had been so selfish. She never once considered how she was prioritizing her feelings over Tobin’s by not giving them a chance. She was more concerned about how she would feel if she lost Tobin than how the other girl felt through it all. And still, Tobin was trying. 

_Tangled and messy_

_That’s how we’ve been and we’ll always be_

She could learn to be alright with that too if Tobin was trying for her. 

Before she knew it, she was in her car on the way to Tobin’s. She didn’t even know if the girl was home but there was no way she could wait any longer. No way she would make _Tobin_ wait any longer. 

As soon as she pulled up, she slammed her car door, ran up the stairs at the apartment complex, and knocked on Tobin’s door hard. 

_Holy shit. I’m doing this. We’re doing this. _

Tobin pulled the front door open with a confused face as she took in Christen’s flushed state. 

“_Chris_. What are you doing her-” 

“I love you too,” Christen breathed out. 

Tobin’s eyebrows shot up and she opened the door a little further, taking a small step forward. 

“I love you and I’ve been so unfair to you and I’m so sorry. I was so scared of getting hurt myself, I didn’t realize how badly I was probably hurting you in the process. I’m sorry. I’m done being scared,” she shook her head “Well, I’m still scared but I’m willing to try to get past it if you help me. I want to try.”

She was panting and her heart was racing hard enough for its beat to be able to be seen in between her clavicles. 

“You’re sure?”

“Tobin, I wouldn’t have sped over here if I wasn’t sure.”

“You sped? You usually drive like a grandma and that’s why I insist on drivi-”

“_Tobin_,” she groaned.

Tobin laughed and walked up to her slowly, grabbing her face in both of her strong hands. She placed a long kiss on Christen’s forehead. Christen’s eyes closed and she relished in the affection as she placed her hands lightly on Tobin’s ribs. 

“I missed you so much,” Tobin said against her hair before she placed another kiss there and her arms circled Christen’s shoulders.

“I love you so much,” Christen said in return as her fingers dug a little further into Tobin’s shirt. 

Tobin pulled away from the side of Christen’s head to grab her face again and connect their foreheads. “You don’t even know how happy it makes me hearing you say that so confidently.” 

Christen couldn’t stop her lips from turning upward. “I love you,” she reiterated. 

Tobin chuckled, still in slight disbelief that Christen was actually in her arms telling her she loved her. “I love you, too.” 

“Will you please just kiss me already?” Christen whined.

“What? Is that all you came here for? Kisses?” Tobin teased, making her wait a little longer.

“Do you ever shut up?” Christen kissed her hard, pulling her in by her ribs. 

It was everything their last two kisses didn’t have the opportunity to be. Everything their first kiss should have been. But of course, they were tangled and messy and completely alright with picking up their broken pieces along the way, even if it didn’t come easily.


End file.
